• Health Library

Pointers For Parents in managing behaviors of children with learning difficulties.

Defiant Behavior Tips

Exit Exams Can be Optional If You Plan Ahead

Top Ten Sources of Stress For Kids
                                                                                           
Stress Busters for the Gifted Adolescent

The Hurried Child

College/Career Counseling

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Pointers For Parents in managing behaviors of children with learning difficulties.
 

 1. Give your child the opportunity to know success in non-academic areas of endeavor; you will find that the resulting build-up of self-confidence spills over into the school day.

2. Be firm. Establish clear ground rules when the child is young and keep those rules (with what ever needed amendments) on into adolescents. As the child improves in judgment, give more responsibility.

3. Let the child make decisions for less important matters. Structure the process. Limit the alternatives. This can be a valuable learning experience.

4. Be prepared to accept absent-mindedness of children with learning difficulties. Teach and reteach the correct approaches. Use prompts
and positive verbal reinforcement. Avoid becoming irritated and escalating behavior. Always repeat the direction as though it was the first time.

5. Get the child's attention before giving instructions. Make eye contact. Speaks lowly, firmly, clearly and succinctly.

6. Give the child chores to build a sense of responsibility. Make sure that they are carried out and the behavior praised. Setting the table, making the bed, carrying out the trash are appropriate tasks.

7. Short lists of tasks are excellent to help a child remember. A list is impersonal and reduces irritations and confrontations; the child
will gain satisfaction as he/she checks off completed tasks. If the child cannot read, use pictures of tasks.

8. Routines are helpful for all children. Routines need to be modeled, taught, monitored and praised. A routine is part of the
family value system.

9. Read to your child. Read to your child. Read to your child.

10. Stay in control of each situation. Ensure boundary setting and teaching the appropriate behavior or task. Stay consistent. Do not give
in to tantrums or manipulations. Stay consistent. Learn from your mistakes and restructure the process.

11. Each parent should work with the child but not at the same time except when an extra pair of hands are needed. Even then, it is best that one parent give the directions for that particular task or event.

12. Parents need to come to terms with their child's strengths and deficits. Goals should be those that challenge but do not extend beyond
capabilities. If parents can accept their child's assets and liabilities, the child can then begin to accept him/her-self.

13. Let your child know you love him/her.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Exit Exams Can Be Optional If You Plan Ahead

by Suzanne Heath, Research Editor Wrightslaw

This spring, thousands of high school students will not graduate with a high school diploma. The students took the required courses and received passing grades.

Why? How is this possible?

The students will not graduate because they did not pass their state's exit exam. They spent at least twelve years in school. Obviously, they learned something- they have the credits and the grades to prove it.

In some cases, the child knows a great deal about some things and less about others. In some cases, a teacher or two may have strayed from the state curriculum framework.

In most cases, the state changed its curriculum- what it expects teachers to teach and students to learn. The state exit exam reflects this new
curriculum. These students are being penalized because they were not taught the new curriculum.

Do students need to pass their state exit exams before they can graduate with a high school diploma?

No.

Private school students do not have to pass state exit exams. Home schooled students do not have to pass state exit exams.

The easiest way to eliminate the exit exam obstacle is to apply your child's high school credits to a private school diploma. This is not as difficult or expensive as you may think.

Many home schooled students graduate from a private school in Maine that they have never attended, or even seen. The school is the North
Atlantic Regional Schools (NARS), a private high school accredited by the state of Maine.

The procedure is simple.

The child registers at the school. NARS requests the child's records from the public school. The public school sends the records to NARS. If
the child's transcript shows the child has earned the required credits, NARS awards a high school diploma. If the transcript does not show the required credits, NARS can tell you how to obtain the missing credits.

You have a choice.

NARS holds two graduation ceremonies each spring. In June they hold a graduation ceremony in Lewiston, Maine. In May there is a graduation ceremony in Orlando, Florida. You may also graduate at anytime of the year, without participating in a ceremony.

Getting a diploma from NARS means not spending years fighting with the public school so your child can graduate from high school with a diploma.

The choice is yours.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Top Ten Sources of Stress For Kids

In addition to minor aggravations like running late or having a bad hair day, kids (like the rest of us) have to cope with major life events. These events don't have to be negative to be stressful. Remember: the key component to stress is change.

1. Parent having problems.
2. Fight with a friend or a sibling.
3. Taking a test.
4. Wondering if someone thinks you're attractive (teens especially).
5. Not having enough privacy.
6. Birth of a brother or sister.
7. Moving to a new school.
8. Re/marriage of a parent.
9. Not having enough money.
10. A teacher who doesn't like you.

Source: Mind/Body Medical Institute

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Stress Busters for the Gifted Adolescent

Rita Richardson

How can parents, teachers, and counselors reduce this stress? Help is on the way. Here's what you can do:

Gifted students are, after all, only kids, too. The concerned parent needs to help him/her accept and cope with their needs all along the way.

Help the child understand and identify with other kids and yet be aware that they are "different."

Help them accept their talents AND their limitations. Help them develop strong social skills.

Help them feel accepted and understood by others.

Help them draw the oh-so-fine line between excellence and perfection.

As a teacher or parent, try not to set impossible goals. Reward effort, recognize improvement. Don't be unrealistic. Realize giftedness allows people to learn and use information in unusual ways; allow and encourage creativity. Tell them it's okay to think differently.

Develop the whole person. Your GT student won't wake up one day "not gifted." Though their learning style may be special, they are still emotional beings with vivid likes, dislikes, and personalities. They don't owe the world nor does the world owe them. Its up to them to make some personal meaning out of life.

Be patient. Don't compare. Let your student evolve at his own pace. Help them develop patience, too.

Be accepting and encouraging. Have students work purposefully, thoughtfully, thoroughly. They do not have to excel at everything -- priorities can be set. Know when enough is enough -- do what's appropriate for the situation. Show love regardless of the outcome. Accept and reward effort and process. Everyone needs to be cherished and to love himself, even if he doesn't "win" or take first place.

Flexibility is important. Gifted students have no problem with asking "Why?" or "How come?" but they should be encouraged to seek creative solutions to rules they don't like or can't live with. No one likes a "wise guy," so students should work out acceptable ways for making and changing the rules and act accordingly.

Following the rules doesn't always mean conforming. If you feel your student's ability level is mismatched to a school program, by all means speak up on her behalf; your student need not accommodate. But giftedness is no excuse for rudeness. Let the scene play out so your child can learn empathy, teamwork, and tolerance.

Know when to let your kid alone. It's great to be supportive and encouraging but stand back and gain perspective on their successes and achievements. Have your student work to please himself not you or some teacher. Have him/her savor the moment as a personal satisfaction.

Be available for guidance and advice. Many gifted kids seem very mature and talk a good line but never forget they are still kids and need limits, values, guidelines. Most haven't lived long enough to have wisdom about making decisions and need someone with whom they can delineate the pro's and con's of anything from birth control to college admissions. Knowing they can be independent yet still feel comfortable gathering information and playing it off someone will go a long way in reducing stress. Don't be afraid to state your feelings either. Gifted students, although bright, aren't mind readers. They have the facts, and lots of them, but need the accumulated wisdom and loving guidance of parents who care.

Source: Adapted from"Helping Gifted Students with Stress Management" by Leslie S. Kaplan, 1990, ERIC EC Digest #E488, The ERIC Clearinghouse on Disabilities and Gifted Education.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The Hurried Child

Carleton Kendrick Ed.M., LCSW

The pressure to grow up fast, to achieve early in the very great in middle-class America. There is no room today for the "late bloomer"... Children have to achieve success early or they are regarded as losers. —David Elkind

The call-to-arms issued fifteen years ago by David Elkind in his groundbreaking book has unfortunately gone unheeded. Frighteningly, today's hurried child is much more hurried.

Sociologist J. Garbarino believes that because of this speed-up from childhood to adulthood, childhood may well become a "luxury." Forget The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. That's petty larceny. How about the Country That Stole Childhood? Now that's grand theft!

How are our children responding to our forcing them to grow up fast, as we insist we are simply trying to make them more "competent?" The facts speak for themselves:

• Teens are killing themselves and each other at triple the rate they were twenty years ago. • Teen pregnancy rates in the United States are the highest for any Western nation. • Fourth-grade girls are dieting in record numbers. • Serious sports-related injuries have increased several-hundred-fold. • Twenty percent of youngsters are "flunking" kindergarten. Millions of children are medicated daily to make them more "educable" and • "manageable" in school and at home

Heard enough about their carefree days of youth? Aren't you glad you had yours when you did?

Twenty years ago, I didn't see children in my therapy practice who resembled burnt-out, career-driven, Type A adults. I didn't see kids with chronic stress-related headaches, stomachaches and free-floating anxiety. I do now. Lots of them! Little kids. Big kids. Kindergarteners with stress headaches because they're not learning to read fast enough (even though developmentally they're doing just fine). Little girls who are afraid to tell their parents that they don't want to spend four hours a day practicing ice skating or gymnastics. Ninth graders who tell me they have to play competitive league basketball all summer or else their high school coach will think they're not serious about making next year's team. Parents of a fourth grader asking me if I think their daughter has the "right stuff" for an Ivy League college. FOURTH GRADE!!!

I was "allowed" to have a childhood. I played thousands of hours of sports, not supervised or controlled by adults. We worked out the "rules" of the games we played. We settled (most) arguments peacefully. We developed skills at our own pace. Everyone played. No one was denied playing time because they weren't "good."

My friends and I weren't pressured to be the best at everything, faster than everyone else. We hung out. We goofed around. We got in trouble. We got scared. We did our jobs. We were kids.

Single-parent families...divorce...two-worker families...economic and job insecurity....I've heard the reasons why hurried, frightened parents hurry their children through childhood. I expect any day now to see a virtual reality childhood marketed.

So when you see your kid "doing nothing," whether she's sitting on the front steps, seeming to stare into space, or making a space colony under the dining room table, or re-reading a comic book for the 100th time, let her be. She's just taking a little time out of her busy day to have a childhood.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

College/Career Counseling

Question and Answer by Del Antaki

Q. I'm an eleventh-grader trying to decide whether I should take the ACT or the SAT. I am beginning to freak out because the test registration deadlines are soon and I just don't know which way to go. Will taking practice tests help me do better on test day? I'm so stressed I don't know what to do.

A. Don't let those test blues get you down! The key to the standardized testing process is to develop a plan that will work well for you. The first step is to learn what tests the schools you're interested in require. Some schools will prefer the SAT, others may specify the ACT, and still others will indicate that scores from either test are acceptable. You may want to plan to take both in order to cover all of the possibilities. The formats of the ACT and SAT are a bit different. The ACT includes academic tests in four areas -- English, mathematics, reading, and science reasoning. The SAT has seven sections that are designed to measure verbal and mathematical abilities. As a junior, you are in a perfect position to develop a smart testing plan.

Juniors should participate in the Preliminary Scholastic Aptitude Test and National Merit Scholarship Qualifying Test (PSAT/NMSQT). Taking these tests will help you practice for the SAT and get you in the running for consideration for college scholarships. When you receive your scores on the PSAT, you will also be given your actual test book. Using the in-depth score printout and the actual test questions afford you a terrific opportunity to prepare for the SAT or ACT.

I recommend taking the SAT and/or ACT in the spring of your junior year and again early in your senior year. There are seven test dates offered during the school year. Some students choose to take the test more than twice.

Many students have questions about practice and test-prep programs. I think that any practice that a student does is helpful. Both the ACT and SAT provide free sample tests -- including test-taking tips -- that are available in your high-school counseling office. Plan to pick up practice materials when you ask for your registration packets. Both the ACT and SAT also offer software designed to assist students.

Feeling stressed out about these test is entirely understandable, but you should also realize that they're just one more part of your educational experience. Plan well, read the tips on good test-taking skills, get a good night's sleep before each test, and go in with the attitude that you will do your very best.

This "Expert Advice" area of FamilyEducation.com should be used for general information purposes only. Advice given here is not intended to provide a basis for action in particular circumstances without consideration by a competent professional.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 

 Defiant: Challenging; non-compliant; confrontational; openly

and boldly resisting authority



We have 5 available choices when we don't want to follow a direction:

1. Deny or swallow our feelings & behave passively.

2. Refuse in a rude manner. (This is the common choice for our defiant kids.)

3. Withdraw or run away.

4. Avoid complying by use of trickery and manipulation.

5. Make our feelings and decisions known in an respectful manner.

*We want to help our kids adopt patterns #5.
(Sometimes #1 is an appropriate choice, given certain circumstances)


Why Do People Defy Directions?


1. Transitional phases of human development

-Ages 2-3 Hey, it's your fault. You taught them the NO word. Now they're using it to test their environment and try to maintain their prestigious place in the world. Think about it...you're the king/queen of the world...everyone jumps through hoops for you until that dreaded moment...the start of toilet training. Previous to that time, you pretty much got to do things the way you wanted, when you wanted. Now society places it's first demands on you. There is a time and place for something. As the eminent Dr. Freud might describe it: The superego (society's rights and wrongs) is imposed on your id (the part of you that is impulsive and self-centered). Kids resist this restriction on their free world. We see defiance in an attempt to keep the known world the way it was.
(Side note: Most of us no longer hold a grudge against our parents for imposing restrictions during toilet training. In fact, I often thank my parents...toilet training has really come in handy for me over the years!)

-Adolescence I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't know here. With emerging new mental and physical abilities, pre-teens and teens want to have a say in their world. They want to influence what happens and have their opinions considered. This desire, mixed with a lack of life experience, and a not-yet-fully-developed frontal lobe (the part of the brain that helps us to recognize danger and fully feel empathy for others), often results in them wanting a longer leash than parents and educators feel it is wise to give.

-Senior years Imagine that your once strong body and nimble mind now start to fail you. You're much valued independence is something that you see fading. You must rely on others for things that you once did capably on your own. There is resentful at one's failing capacities. Many voice that "I don't want to be treated like a child!" (What does that statement say about our society if we don't want to be treated like kids?)


-Newly married? It's not unusual for newly weds to exhibit defiance as they adjust to a new state of being. It's difficult to adjust to a lifestyle in which independent decision-making is sometimes viewed negatively by the spouse. How many of us felt that the other person was placing "unreasonable" demands upon us. (I love you...now change.)


2. Defense of assigned personal image

Many children has been assigned identities by the important adults in their lives. They have been called "bad", "not very bright", "rude", etc. Imagine it, you hear someone who is in charge of raising you and has lived in this world much longer than you. They are all-knowing beings. If they say that you are something, then you accept that they are right. You adopt that identity. What do rude people do?...RUDE THINGS! We have created the very type of person we were trying to prevent! NEVER, NEVER, NEVER say that a child IS a particular type of person. You can say that the behavior is rude or that the action was thoughtless, but never say that the kid is rude or thoughtless (or some other negative identity tag). See the link on this site titled "Nice ways to build self discipline in kids" for more information and strategies regarding this advice.


INTERVENTIONS: (Ways to get our messages imbedded in the youngster's mind, and improve our connection with the student so that we are more likely to have our requests followed)

-Avoid using positive labels (e.g., "You're so smart.", "You're a good boy.") because they will be rejected by a youngster who sees them as being incorrect (given his/her life experience). So what do we do in place of labels? How do we break down old image (and build a new one)? Disprove the image (and build a new one) with non-disputable evidence and point out factual evidence of good choice making.
-"Thanks for holding the door for us. That was a kind gesture on your part."
-"Your patience with Ivan really helped him to understand the material. Thanks."
-"You showed a lot of restraint & self control in that situation. Proud of self."
-"Wow. You got it! Tell me how you figured it out."


-Set up the youngster for success So if your eyes are pealed and he's not showing pro-social behavior? What do you do? Arrange opportunities for the student to do well. Set him/her up for success, and then recognize the good choice.


-Reminisce If a potentially frustrating event for the student is about to occur, you can remind the youngster about times when the s/he made a good choice (perhaps times when you rigged the situation for success) and state your belief in his/her ability to make a good choice in this particular situation that is about to happen.

When I was a kid, I remember overhearing people saying positive things about me. I know now that my parents waited for me to walk by a conversation they were having with others at which time they would utter a compliment about me ("Other other boys were going to go swimming in the rapids today, but Tom remembered that it wasn't safe and told them.) Did this happen to you too? Devise opportunities to say positive things about how one of your students followed the directions or made a good choice. Be sure to state the actions that occurred. Do not label the student.


-Model values and behaviors you'd like the kids to adopt Are you on time for class? Do you treat others with respect? Your kids are watching. You are a role model.


-Interpret the behavior by placing the unknown or scattered feelings into perspective. Use "symptom estrangement" (Fritz Redl's term for separating the inappropriate behavior from the youngster...in other words "I hate the behavior, but I believe in your ability to change for the better.") Here's an example:

-"Lee, you're a kid with a lot of potential, but this behavior isn't helping your popularity with
others. I suspect that the reason you did it is because you were feeling victimized. We
need to learn better ways to handle these types of situations."
(Symptom Estrangement: Dislike the behavior while expressing belief in the kid's ability to change for the better.)
-"It's a hard for you to hear people say nice things about yourself, isn't it?"
Kid: "Don't nobody mean it when they say it."
-"It's hard for you to believe that people can care about you, huh?"
Kid: "Ain't nobody cares about me."
-"Are you saying that because you don't trust that I'm telling you the truth?"
Kid: "Hey, I've heard it all before."
-"You've experienced a lot of failure in your young life, but that doesn't mean that you're
a failure. I see your potential, and I'm here to help you reach it. There's still time."
Kid: "BUG OFF. Leave me alone."
-Below that superficial rejection, which was an automatic response on the kids part, is a thought that perhaps someone does care about his/her welfare. You've make a small pinhole in the dark cover over his/her psyche.


-Prepare the student for your positive feedback (In order to prevents the automatic negative reactions found above)
-"I have something nice I'd like to tell you. Wanna hear it?"
Kid: "NOPE." (but s/he is wondering what you were going to say)

-"I'd like give you compliment. How're you gonna react if I do?"
Kid: "Not well."
Teacher: "That's OK... I'll take my chances."

-Make a quick retreat Provide praise in written form (or make a very quick verbal commentary) and walk away.
In this way, there is no chance for the student to give you an automatic nasty retort.


3. Defiance due to Conflict Between The Student and Educators
If your student is known to be "rude", "defiant", or "oppositional", s/he probably has a long history of negative experiences with authority figures. You belong to a group of people who have made his/her life miserable and said nasty things to him/her. Then s/he meets a nice person like you, but immediately categorizes you as being "one of them". Expecting the rejection s/he has experienced before from teachers who initially said "I care about you and we'll have a good year.", but then became enemies in the behavior battle, s/he strikes out at you.

Defiant kids will try to force you into that "mean teacher" role to keep their concept of the world intact. It's a coping strategy: They are trying to manage a negative and unpredictable life. They are trying to protect their injured self from further harm. They want to get the "inevitable" rejection over quickly and on their terms. They decide to reject you before you reject them. Will try to prove that you are like the others to keep world view intact (however distorted). Will do things to make you take off behavior management halo and pick up disciplinary pitch fork.

Will you be able to keep your caring approach when this student challenges you? Will you be able to avoid taking these comments and actions personally? Will you be able to stand back and say "Here is a child in crisis (again). What should a caring professional such as myself do in this situation? What reaction on my part is ethical, moral, professional, and in the youngster's best interests?"

The idea that I'm trying to convey is that educators often create the very behavior that they complain about. Many times oppositional behavior results from getting tired of hearing corrections, chastisement, complaints and other negative comments about oneself all the time. At some point, kids get fed up and tell negative people to "take a hike" (or some other wording). If we are going to change the defiant behavior, we must set kids up for success, catch them being good when they do succeed, and focus on progress, however small. Changing these kids to be more cooperative is a series of small victories (in which both sides win and feel good). If you're a bossy teacher, don't expect to make much progress with these kids.

Often times, if we are to break a student's negative behavior pattern, we must break our own "dark side" ways first. Many of us hold the view that we are the masters and the students are our slaves...that we are the hammer and the students are the anvil (I would remind you that the hammer wears out long before the anvil). Pupils are expected to obey our every direction without question. Certainly that form of compliance would be nice, but does it teach our youngsters to think, reason, develop self-regulation of behavior, and become thoughtful citizens? (The answer is "no")

As students get older, they want to contribute to the environment in which they find themselves. They want to influence the events in their community (the classroom and school). They also want more responsibility within that arena, and respect for their views. Certainly we teachers (in general) have more experience and wisdom than our youngsters, but part of being a wise elder is helping the younger generations to develop into thoughtful societal contributors, not automatons who robotically follow commands (except in emergency situations). Refrain from escalating a minor incident into a major battle. Talk privately, NEVER in front of others. Avoid bringing up past failures and infractions.

Youngsters who feel that they have no control over a situation will fight for control. Often, they are able to disrupt our classes, gain the support of others, and be viewed as a champion for student rights. Many "oppositional" young people, perhaps due to life circumstances or familial/cultural upbringing (more on this topic in the future) may be more sensitive to being "ordered" to engage in actions (e.g., starting work, completing work in a certain prescribed manner, ceasing behavior deemed inappropriate).


INTERVENTIONS
-Recognize the "wounded animal" that doesn't trust and is trying to prevent deeper hurt. This child is afraid, but showing you other behaviors to disguise that fear. If we could just place ourselves in their shoes...we would look funny and our feet would hurt...but let your empathy for others who are hurt win out over caustic reactions.

-Avoid coercive "Do it dammit!" directions. Use requests and the word "Please" before politely stated directions.

-Avoid toxic penalties. When we engage in behavior battles with kids, we are at risk for coming to view them as the enemy. Then we decide to "get tough with them to teach them a lesson". Odd...we don't learn lessons that way and would refuse to do what others want us to do (or at least resent them)...but somehow we think that everyone else will learn a lesson is we "get tough with 'em".

-Use "Symptom Estrangement" (see above).

-Don't take it personally. The behavior is part of the student's disability. Let these oppositional things bounce off of you.

-Never give up on a youngster. Keep believing in their ability to change for the better...now that s/he has a persistent, and caring teacher like you.


4. Fear of failure upon seeing teacher's assignments
Imagine that you are in a group of peers. You are presented with a task that you know you are not able to do well. You are afraid of being publicly exposed as not being able to accomplish what others can do. You have a choice: You can be "bad" or "dumb". Which one would you choose? Certainly, the "bad" badge has more prestige to it than the "dumb" label. Many of our kids will choose the former when faced with failure.

Are you sure that the material is on your student's level? Could your student be avoiding imminent failure? Do you know your students' instructional levels (if they were motivated to show it)? Are you able to identify this student's learning preferences (hands-on, video, etc.) and learning style (auditory, visual, global, inductive, etc.) so that you can teach to his/her strengths? If not, what will you do to seek out this information?


INTERVENTIONS

-Modify assignments so that reading/writing level do not come into play. See web sites like www.LDonline.com

 for ideas on how to modify assignments so that kids can show their knowledge without limited skills getting in the

 way.

-Focus on effort, not accuracy. If kids are trying their best, we should be happy teachers! With effort will come accuracy and acquisition of knowledge. Promote "best effort" over grades and scores. You'll find that exactness will increase over time if kids don't fear grades. Can't focus solely on effort due to the school's requirement that you must submit grades? Could you build effort into the academic grade (sort of like a daily quiz)? Kids will learn more if they're engaged in the task.

-Get them started first with some help and support.

-Break down the task into sections and have each part checked before next part.

-Offer options for completion. Provide acceptable ways (to you) for showing one's knowledge.

-Have the student place his/her answers/thoughts onto audio tape. Then score those answers for content. Use written work as an exercise to improve that particular skill. In other words, separate the information from the skill that gets in the way of showing one's knowledge.

-Implement cooperative learning, peer tutoring, and/or cross-age tutoring (see the link on this site titled "cooperative learning")


OTHER GENERAL STRATEGIES TO USE WITH KIDS WHO DISPLAY

DEFIANCE

The Event That Never Happens

Prevent and Analyze
Be proactive. Based upon past experience and analysis of the youngster's behavior, predict situations in which the behavior might arise and attempt to prevent it's occurrence. Become skilled at identifying the goal or function of the student's behavior (see the links on the home page titled "Figuring out why kids misbehave..." and "Functional Behavior Assessment").

Defusing Refusing>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Say it nicely

We all like to be shown respect by others. If "non-compliant", "defiant", and "oppositional" kids feel that their view point has been considered or that they have been "asked" rather than "told" to do something, they are more likely to comply. Consider your own life: How would you prefer that bosses, spouses, elder siblings, parents, principals, and professors gain your cooperation? Don't you respond better to a friendly, supportive supervisor?
You can find tips on saying it nicely in the following links on our home page:
-Nice things to try (before using "do it or else" interventions)
-Gaining and getting respect
-I messages

If these strategies fail, you can always follow them with the usual coercive interventions. If the less intrusive strategies don't work initially, don't give up. Keep using them before implementing penalties. Kids will, over time, notice the progression of events and recognize the benefits of responding to your earlier, gentler attempts to gain their cooperation.

Offer a selection of choices that are acceptable to you

"Non-compliant" pupils wish to have some degree of influence or control in a situation. They rebel against adults who they view as being oppressive. Instead of demanding that the work be completed in a prescribed manner, give the youngster "power" in a situation while still getting what you want (displaying knowledge). Just provide the youngster with a choice of several ways of completing the assignment.

Suppose you want Jasmine to write in her daily journal, but she refuses. You might offer her the following options which you deem acceptable:
-write in pencil instead of pen
-use a green ink pen
-use a felt tip pen
-compose the essay on a computer, print it out, and paste it in the journal
-draw a picture of what she would otherwise write about (ask for a caption and short summary later)

A picture???!!!! How can I suggest such a thing??!! OK, then don't offer that option. However, please consider that a picture represents her story, and if she's going to rebel against your demand to write in blue ink, you're not going to get anything from her when she rebels (and the argument will ruin your day, irritate the principal when you send Jasmine to the office, and upset the other kids). Isn't the submission of something better than nothing at all (at least as a start)? Once you have her product, thank her for submitting it, find something to compliment, and encourage further compliance. Perhaps after some positive commentary, you can say "Now I realize what you're capable of doing. I know I'm going to see more of this super work in the future. Right?" Or compliment the product and try to get a bit more out of the youngster right then ("This is a well drawn and realistic rendering. Would you mind writing a caption to it so that we know what it's about?" OR "This essay is very strong in content and your penmanship (is this a sexist term?) and writing mechanics are excellent. You know what would really distinguish this piece from ordinary ones?... More colorful and vivid words that enhance your images. Remember our lesson on adjectives? Can you fit in 3 or 4 descriptive words for your nouns? Don't worry about writing your piece over again, just write the adjectives above where you want them to go. I'll know where they belong.")

Another example: "Josh, you're on the cleanup crew today. Do you want to be the gum scraper, paper picker upper, broom pusher, dust pan holder, or mopper? Graffiti remover? Oh...thanks for reminding me of that. What's your plan for removing it? ("Paint over it.") That will certainly get that scribbling out of our site, but then we still have a messy wall. Would you like to use soap and water or spray chemicals and a rag? ("Spray chemicals.") OK, but you realize that you'll have to wear goggles and rubber gloves, before you use the spray bottle right? (OK)"


Allow the student to self-monitor and self-evaluate
Allowing the student to evaluate his or her own work gives "power". You might provide a checklist to be completed, or ask the student to list the strong and weak points of his/her academic product. For behavior in general, visit our link on "self monitoring". This procedure involves the student in his/her own behavior change for the better.


Send a note
Notes are a great way to prevent misbehavior, nip it in the bud, or address issues. The permanent and novel (at least between teachers and kids) form of communication often makes a more dramatic impact upon the behavior and emotional state of our students. Below, you'll find examples of different types of notes. Just remember though: watch the wording (remember that this note might be shown to others) and be aware that it is more difficult to convey emotion in writing...add a smiley face to the note (or to your face as you deliver the document).

Pre-emptive/Preventive Notes (Present these to the student(s) before the activity/event)
"Svetlana, remember to raise you hand to offer an answer or comment."
"Group 2: Bring your discussion to a close soon. Have your projects put away by 2:10pm."

After-The-Fact (Present these to address a behavior/event after it has occurred)
"Chandra, please see me at your convenience, but before the bell rings."
"I was saddened to hear of your family's loss. If you want to talk, I'm available."
"T.J.: Insightful answers in class today. Thanks for contributing."
"Shoshana, thanks for helping me yesterday. It's greatly appreciated.
"Calvin, I let your rude remarks pass today. Just don't let it happen again tomorrow."

Humorous Reminders (To address issues that need resolution now...or in a couple of minutes)
Dear Willie: Please stop using invisible ink.
Your ledger.
Dear Josie: I get lonely without words.
Your notebook.
Dear Ali: I can't think straight. I need my mind organized.
Your locker.

"Offers Of Assistance"
Here's a typical scenario: The teacher says "Hector, open your book to page 14 and answer the questions please." Hector says "I ain't opening no stupid book. This is baby crap." Hector is sending a false message to his peers...He's too bright for this material and rejects you for asking him to do the assignment. The true message is that the material is much to difficult for him. He knows that it is better to be "bad" than "dumb". Here's how to use notes to gain cooperation...

If you detect that the youngster needs assistance:
-Continue to teach the lesson while moving slowly toward the student.
-As you teach, write on a "post it" (sticky back) "Do you want help?" (Be sure to use the word "want"...he can't admit that he "needs" help)
-Keep walking, but look back to the youngster in a couple of seconds
-Wait for a cue from him/her as to "Yes" or "No"
-If "Yes", write another note: "From me or another student?"
-Watch for a non-verbal reply (e.g., nod of head, pointing to someone)

"Offers of assistance don't force kids to reveal that they need help and give "personal space" to oppositional kids while being supportive.
 

"The control game: Exploring oppositional behavior".  It can be found in

Reclaiming Children and Youth, volume 8, issue 1, pages 30-33 (Spring 1999).
 
 

Meeting the letter of the law (but not the intent)
 Kids who use this tactic comply with your direction, but find a loophole in the wording of your command.
Examples:
When told to erase the board, the youngster:
    -(using a pencil eraser) rubs a wooden plank on the teacher's desk
    -writes "the board" on the chalkboard and erases it
    -says "But if I erase it, it will disappear and we can't find it to use it again."
When told to sit in the chair, does so, but facing backward

Strategy:
Teach and enforce the spirit of the law, not the letter of it.  While most teachers will try to be more exact in their directions or will add numerous sub-rules to the main ones, the best approach may be to conduct a lesson on interpretation of the teacher's directions.  Give examples of statements made by teachers and ask your students to identify the intent.  When a teacher says "Turn around"  does s/he mean "Face toward the teacher/group" or "Spin around in a circle" ? (You might even demonstrate the latter one for more effect)
The lesson should help to prevent future episodes in which the youngster misinterprets your words.  If you do see the behavior again, ask: "Are you following the spirit of my direction?" and keeps the offender from saying (with a wry smile) "But I did what you told me to do."  You might even add a class rule which states: "Follow the spirit and intent teacher directions."

Negotiating

Got a kid who tries to convince you to give in on your demands by repeatedly offering "bargains"?  This is the type of youngster who when s/he hears "You need to finish your math problems before working on the computer, says "Aw, if you let me use the computer, I PROMISE to do all my math...PLEASE!  I'll do may math later...REALLY!"  When you repeat your command, s/he says "C'mon.  How about if I do half of my math now, and you give me half of the computer time, and then I'll come back to my seat and finish the rest of the problems."

Strategy
Don't tell...Ask  Asking the student what s/he should be doing right now or what s/he was told to do can prevent many incidents ("What needs to be done before working on the computer?").  Attempts at bargaining are met with variations (or exact rewordings) of your original commentary.

Read his/her mind...Students who bargain are trying to gain some power in a situation, or trying to avoid an undesirable task.  Let him/her know that you are aware of the ploy by saying something like: "What you really mean to say is that you would like to goof off and try to escape doing your math.  You would like to control the situation.  In fact, you DO have control here.  You have the control over whether you will be able to work on the computer.  It's all up to you.  You've got a big decision to make: whether to waste your computer time trying to talk me out of doing your math, or whether to do the assignment as I requested and earning all of your time on the computer.  I know how well you do when you put your mind to doing things.  I know you'll make the right decision and be proud of yourself."
 

Contrary violations

 Some youngsters will often act in a manner that is in direct opposition to directions and procedures.  They attempt to engage staff members in arguments, or otherwise seek control.
Examples:  The teacher reminds the class to raise their hands if they wish to contribute an answer to the next question.  Fran shouts out the answer to that question.
As the teacher scans the room during a structured testing situation in which each student has two pencils (in case one breaks or is dull).  S/he sees B.B. get up out of the seat to sharpen one.

Strategy: Use planned ignoring.  Do not attend to the behavior when it occurs.  The youngster is attempting to engage you in a battle.  You win by refusing to fight.  It is important that you have made the class aware of this planned use of ignoring.  In that way, they won't think that you are unaware (causing some students to report on the offender) or afraid to act.  Inform the students that you are aware of what occurs in your classroom (pretend that you are aware even when you miss some behaviors) and that you are acting on the situation...later.  You will meet with the offender at a convenient (to you) time and administer a penalty at that time (while encouraging positive behavior in the future..."If the rules change, I will let you know.  In the mean time, I know that you are capable of much more, and I hope that you will live up to your potential.  I'm always here to assist you if you want my help.")
 

Getting in the last word

    Control is demonstrated over others (in the offender's mind) when s/he utters the last line in an argument.  Recognizing this intent, some teachers attempt to better the youngster by "getting in the last word".  However, doing so allows the youngster to continue to engage you in a battle.  They are glad to have an ongoing argument with you...that's exerting control over your actions (You should be doing something else other than arguing with kids).

Strategy:  Let them have the last word.  By surrendering, you win.  The argument ends.  You can administer consequences at a later time if they are deemed necessary (for failing to follow the direction given, rudeness, etc.)  As with "contrary behavior" be sure your students know that you use "planned ignoring".  Do be aware however, that behavior often escalates when it is being ignored (in an attempt to get your attention).  Do not, after the attempts to entice you into battle escalate, give in to the temptation to "strike out".  If you do intervene, do so calmly and respectfully, telling the youngster that you really don't want to have to continue to implement penalties because you want him/her to be a successful student.
 

Constantly asking "Why?"

    Ever spent time around 2 and 3 year olds with their constant questioning of the purpose of your direction ("But why?")?  For older youngsters, the intent of this tactic is to maintain control over the discussion and fluster/frustrate you.
Example:
    -"Please return to your seat."
    -"Why?"
    -"It's the rule."
    -"Why?"
    -"Because you should be working on your essay like the others."
    -"Why do I have to sit when I write?"
    -"Your penmanship will be better."
    -"Why?"
    -and so forth and so on, ad nauseum

Strategy:    Agree to answer all their concerns and discuss all questions later...during his/her lunch/free time/recess.  Questions become less important when they are asked on personal time (I know this fact as a professor who says "I'll be glad to address your concerns with you after class.")
Make a habit of asking ("Where should you be sitting right now?") instead of telling.  It's harder to ask "why" of a question.
 

Staff splitting

    You've heard it before, I'm sure: "But Mr./Ms. Smith doesn't care if I..."  Yes, we are, as a staff, often inconsistent in our enforcement of rules and regulations...and oppositional kids will attempt to use that oversight to their advantage.  They are trying to distract you from the real issue: their breaking of a rule.  The issue though is not whether a certain staff member is failing to do his/her job, but rather that the student is violating the rule and looking for someone else to blame.

Strategy: Put the spot light back on the student.
 

Refusing to comply
 

"You can't make me!" (or some close variation)  These kids are asserting their control and challenging your's.  They are hoping that you will attempt to control them, and either lose or look ridiculous in your efforts as they laugh in the face of your punishments.

Strategy:

Agree with them.  Say something like: "You're right.  I can't make you do something.  The only person who can control you is you.  I hope that you will make a good decision for yourself."  If asked: "What are you going to do about it?"  say something like: "You're trying to decide if it's worth it for you to challenge me.  That lets me know that you are in control and are choosing whether to behave well or not.  That means that you're also choosing to accept whatever the consequences will be." (don't tell them what they will be...it probably doesn't make a difference, and unknown consequences make them think twice before acting).
 
 
 

Other tips
Proximity control (moving the youngster closer to you) is probably not a good idea.  These kids most often function better away from authority figures.
Give the youngster some time to make a decision, and withdraw from the area.
Have the youngster evaluate his/her own behavior at set times throughout the day.
 

Preventing & Addressing Defiant, Oppositional, Resistant

Behavior


Matching Activity Directions: Familiarize yourself with the interventions described below. Then read the situations that follow. Match the strategies (prefaced with numbers) with the situations (prefaced with letters).

1. Proactive cooperation- obtain cooperation before asking the student to do the task that might result in non-compliance.

2. Provide limited choices- give students power in situations by allowing them to select from responses acceptable to you.

3. Ripple effect- promote imitation of positive behavior by reinforcing compliant and on-task students. If the student still is not engaging in the desired activity, prompt him/her with a question (e.g., "Peter, are you cleaning up too?" "Hey Rhonda. What should you be doing right now?")

4. Humorous warning- use a good natured "cute" remark to remind students to display appropriate behavior.

5. Appeal to desire to be "grown-up"- motivate the student by mentioning how s/he will display the proper behavior when s/he matures.

6. Reminiscing/Appeal to good side- talk with the student about when effort or the desired behavior was previously demonstrated. Encourage re-enactment. .

7. Surprise- act in an unexpected manner to interrupt the student's control over a situation.

8. Agreement- utter a statement corresponding to the student's commentary.

9. Distraction from head-butting- draw the student's focus of attention from the argument.

10 Direct & Redirect- if the student is begrudgingly compliant, engage him/her in a preferred activity before returning to the present task.

11. Do it dammit! (With apology)- sternly order compliance, then apologize for your actions and discuss the situation.


a) A teacher tells her students to take out their math workbooks. Juan looks very tense and potentially explosive. The teacher asks him to do her a favor by delivering a note to another teacher.

b) "You may not bring a walkman radio on the field trip, but its OK to bring your hats and sunglasses."

c) (Said in a supportive manner) "Someday, you'll do like older girls and make sure that your coat is off the floor, not dragging behind you."

d) "Walk!" (Students stop) "Sorry for yelling guys, but I saw that wet floor sign ahead of you. By the way, what's the rule on traveling in the hallway?"

e) Chad says to Miss Fitzsimmons "Your hair looks messy." Miss F. retorts "Yeah, I just combed it with a cake mixer."

f) Daisy is having difficulty motivating herself to begin a task. The teacher shows her previous worksheets from her work folder and reminds her how much effort she has exerted in the past. He then encourages her to show that effort again.

g) Latisha refuses to put on her coat to go home. Ms. Tsai asks her to help with the end-of-day cleanup. They talk and then both don their coats to head home.

h) Seven year old Jessica, wearing a skirt, turns to speak with a classmate in such a way that her legs split apart revealing her underwear. Miss. Rodriguez says "Jessica, remember to sit like a big girl."

i) "Nope, the marker's ink will ooze through the paper. However, you can use pencils, pens or crayons."

j) At times, the nature of group activities in Ms. Rashad's class results in noisy behavior. She frequently brings the students' attention back to her by blowing whistles, kicking the radiator, ringing an old school bell, making animal noises, dancing about the room, etc.

k) Mr. Condino turns and growls at ontask students. They smile and get back to work.

1) Two boys are arguing. Mr. Park says "Gentlemen, is your math assignment complete?" Both indicate that it is done. Mr. Park then directs them to work on their homework.

m) Knowing that the students will not want to end their present activities, Mr. Silvercloud starts a game of "Simon says" (no one is eliminated for "goofing up") in which the students enthusiastically join in. The last command is "Simon says clean up."

n) "Maritza, you've earned all you points for the last three days. I know you can do it again today."

o) (To a student out of his seat) . "Kong Ting, have you noticed how the older boys in our class sit in their seats unless they receive permission to get up? I know you can do it too."

p) (Most of the class is noisy and rambunctious) "Everybody sit down Now!" (Students sit and appear anxious until Mrs. Hijazi apologizes for yelling and discusses ways to prevent both their noisy behavior and her yelling.)

q) Students are on line for lunch. Ms. Sajdak compliments the line leader on how straight and quiet he is standing. The rest of the line also straightens up.

r) Tasha yells out an answer. Mr. Stein says "Tasha, you don't have to raise your hand, but you must raise your elbow."